I'm too old for this

Today is grad student orientation. Today is the day I get my picture taken for my coveted Ncard ID. Today is the day I woke up with a huge zit on my nose.

I am too old for this.

Seriously, too old.

I got my picture taken for my ID. I don’t think anyone will notice the zit due to the “deer in the headlights” look on my face. As I sat in the orientation room the speaker asked us to look around at all the other graduate students. What I found was that I was the oldest person in the room by at least a decade. If you teach you know there is always one person in the class who constantly asks “what?” I’ll be the one asking “What? Can you repeat that honey? I can’t hear you when you mumble.”

I left orientation with a free laundry bag full of pamphlets and free stuff and more questions than answers. I have a key chain that opens beer bottles. I just need a beer to go with it. I got a book with coupons for tanning sessions, a skateboard, 10% off of piercing and tattoos and a free pregnancy test. I bet I’ll be the only grad student to use her Shopko coupon to pay for her osteoporosis meds. I am going to give the free laundry bag to my undergrad daughter since she brings her laundry home to do it for free anyway.

I stopped at many information booths. Things have changed since I was last in school. You now need a library liaison to help you find what you need. It looks like I will need to sign up for a tutorial to learn library technology. Do they have plain old books anymore? I never had a problem accessing a book. I never needed a password either.

I got a brochure from the health center and am impressed at all the services they offer. I wonder if I can make a trade on services. If I don’t need a pregnancy test can I get a free colonoscopy instead? I got a paper with a map of campus but, I can’t read it because my arms aren’t long enough. I will be the only student on campus who drinks diet coke to stay awake for night classes instead of to wake up for a morning class.

I am too old for this.

What did Sarah and Elizabeth think when they were told they would give birth at ages that were well past mine?

“I am too old for this. I am too old for morning sickness, labor, diapers, and nursing. God had many chances to ask me to do this when I was young. Why did He wait until now?”

God’s timing is always right. It may make no sense to us, but, it is always right. I don’t know why I am doing this at my age but God does. He has a plan for what I will be learning and a plan to help me get through it. I am not giving birth to a prophet but there will be a small piece of ministry for me. This is what God has put on my plate. I am too old for this, but He isn’t.

But I trust in you, O LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

My times are in Your hands.

Psalm 31: 14-15

Vantage Point or Validity?

I was sitting on our deck in the warm evening air reading the chapter on assessment validity from the textbook I am using to teach this class. For one brief, brief, moment I had a singular flash of understanding of the term construct validity (not to be confused with content validity.) One brief, brief, moment; kind of a senior moment.

As I read through the chapter I underlined everything that made sense.

I underlined two things:

1. The term scattergram. (Okay, I can’t actually explain this term but I remember it from my Dad’s statistics class because a picture of a scattergram looks like a graph a kindergarten class would make.)
2. The sentence: “Thus, teachers are left in a quandary about what to use from this chapter.”

An MRI of my brain would be a scattergram right now. Take another look at number 2. Even the author of this textbook admits teachers are confused about how to use this information. Try selling that to 18 undergraduate students who have to pass this class to get their teaching certificates. I’ll bet they’ll hold on to this textbook after the class is done.

I just can’t wait until I get to chapter 5 on reliability!

This past Sunday I had an exquisite “duh” moment. No, really, even better than the look on my face when I read the term “Pearson product-moment correlation coefficient” on page 89. I was standing out on the west lawn of the church in the warm morning sun with about 200 other members of Faith Evangelical Lutheran. We were being carefully lined up and waiting patiently while a member in a cherry-picker was taking a picture for the front of the new directory. Needless to say, it was taking a long time. The conversation was strange as we were lined up and no one was looking at anyone but the crowd broke out in laughter when I made the observation that “we ought to line up in the shape of a cross or something.” Apparently, we were already standing in the shape of a cross. I could hear the laughter travel to all for edges of the cross as the story spread. Let’s just say the picture will show everyone smiling.

I am an ant on the ground who thinks she needs to have the vantage point of the person in the cherry-picker bucket. I think I need to see the whole picture when God is content with me only knowing a small part of the ground on which I stand. I want to understand the whole book on assessment and God wants me to understand only a chapter, or a page, or a phrase at a time. We will get there, but we will do it on His terms not mine.

I want the big picture view of my life, too. When people ask me what I plan to do with my degree, I get nervous when I can’t give them an answer. I am pretty sure I will be paying off loans but other than that who knows? I want to know what classes I need to take and what my dissertation topic will be and what hoops I will have to jump through to get this finished and God wants me to focus on construct validity.

God has the plan for our lives. God sees the big picture. We are merely splinters of wood on the body of the cross that killed His Son. And He loves us no matter what.

I’m headed back to my assignment on construct validity. Tonight I will say a prayer that I will be content to be where I am and completing what God sets before me, one small piece at a time. I guess you could say God has blessed me with contentment validity.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways My ways,

declares the LORD.

Isaiah 55:8

Teach Me to Trust

We are eating celebratory brownies for supper tonight. (Celebratory brownies are just like normal brownies only they have sprinkles on top and are eaten to celebrate a significant event.) Joel passed Driver’s Education. He went to class, completed the driving sessions, and watched all the videos, passed the driving test and the written test. All that is left to do between now and next June is to practice driving. Oh, and learn to keep both hands on the steering wheel. Apparently, we are now to use the 8 and 4 positions instead of the 10 and 2 spots so as to prevent us from poking out an eye should our airbags deploy.


You learn something new every time you have a child go through Driver’s Education.


I was just thinking about how neat and complete Driver’s Education is. You sign up, pay up and show up and everything happens as it should. In two weeks you are a driver just waiting for your 16th birthday. I am going to be teaching a class, on-line, for a school many miles away. This class starts on Monday the 18th, about two weeks after I was asked to teach it, and about 10 days after I received the textbook in the mail. There is nothing nice and neat or even complete about this class. It is a subject matter with which I am not very familiar, but interestingly enough have very strong opinions about. Oh, and my opinions do not match those of the author of the textbook judging from all the excited red words I have put in the margins of the book as I am reading.


I agreed to take on this class because the person asking me really needed someone (anyone!) to teach it, and I know it will be a good review for me before I take a similar class for my program. Right now, though, my stress level is sky high and my trust level is . . . wait a minute . . .no, I can’t see my trust level from where I am standing. Okay, forget trying to rewrite the syllabus or get through the chapter on formative assessment, or write the quiz for the first three chapters. Forget trying to understand how I am supposed to evaluate student evaluations of tests to which I don’t have access. Forget trying to set up the grade book on the computer classroom or brainstorm discussion threads for the discussion board. Forget figuring out the assessment tool to write assessments for a class on assessments! I have other lesson planning to do. I need to have a teacher conference with MY teacher.


God, teach me to trust!


Perhaps this is His lesson plan:

Objective: student will be able to trust in Me for all things
Method: the hard way
Procedure:
1. Throw her into teaching a class that she knows she is not ready to teach.
2. Give her textbook and computer access at the last minute.
3. Allow problems with designing the class for which she cannot obtain earthly assistance.
4. Help her teach the class.
5. Help the students to learn in spite of her lack of preparation, expertise and shaky teaching practices.

Evaluation:

As her Heavenly Father I know everything about her faith but I will be looking for her to come to Me in prayer.

Time need to reach objective:

Her lifetime

Remediation and reteaching are indicated.


In my daily Bible reading I am in the book of Esther. Things looked impossibly bleak for the children of Israel in Xerxes’ kingdom, but God carried out His plan and His children were saved. Each time I read through the Old Testament I marvel at the lack of trust of those Israelites. They had so many huge miracles written in their history books and handed down from generation to generation, yet they so easily threw away their trust. But, I know that their story is my story, too.


God, teach me to trust!

May Your unfailing love rest upon us,
O LORD,
even has we put our hope in You.
Psalm 33:22

Traveling Shoes

Our house was grand central station the other morning at 4:30 am. Paul was loading up Joel to take him to his pick-up spot for detasseling and I was venturing to Omaha to drop off Anne at the airport. Half way to Omaha a thick fog settled in. As Anne took care of the condensation that had gathered on our windshield she thanked me for driving her in. Secretly, I was a bit pleased to know that this capable independent young adult still needed me, a little bit.

The spiritual “Traveling Shoes” was playing on the CD I was listening to on the way back to Lincoln:

Death came knocking on my front door
Singing come on sister ain’t you ready to go?
So I stooped down, buckled up my shoes
And I moved on down by the Jordan stream
And then I shout Hallelujah done done my duty
Got on my traveling shoes

Death has been a recurring theme in my life, lately. I have been to three funerals since Easter and another is pending. I attended one funeral for someone younger than me and another for a good friend from high school. Some deaths make us sigh not only in grief, but relief. Some deaths are expected and we know that loved one had his traveling shoes. Some deaths are inconceivable. My own loss, from the previous funeral, is nothing compared to that of the father and his eleven year old daughter who stood greeting people at the door. We know these loved ones had traveling shoes ready because they were children of God; yet, the wearing of those shoes came too early.

“Traveling Shoes” is a Spiritual and these beautiful songs, though simple in lyrics, are always steeped in meaning. The song is about being ready when it’s your time to die. In secular terms we would say you have your “affairs in order.” In spiritual terms we know our traveling shoes were issued to us at our baptism, when our heavenly Father called us by name and claimed us as our own.

“Traveling Shoes”, being a Spiritual was most likely about slavery. The transition in this song is about moving from captivity to freedom. In a literal sense that often meant death, but death also meant freedom. The slave was ready and willing to risk his life to throw off his chains. The chains we wear are the result of our own sin; the shackles that bind us do not scar our wrists and ankles but rather scar our heart and damage our relationship with God and others. Our freedom is not won through the arduous travel involved in an escape. Our freedom was won for us on the cross through the redeeming love of our Savior.

Let’s consider another meaning for “Traveling Shoes.” Many times in our lives, God comes knocking on our front door asking if we are ready and willing to travel. I have watched good friends sell all their possessions in order to put on their traveling shoes to do missionary work in Africa. Recently they retired and promptly turned right around and put a double knot into the laces of their traveling shoes. They will stay in their adopted country because there is more work for them to accomplish. I recently communicated with a friend and mentor who has given up her retirement to travel to another school to offer expertise and assistance. She willingly buckled up her shoes when God asked. God had me put on my traveling shoes when He asked me to transition from being a teacher to being a student. Now I pray He does not allow me to drag my feet.

I recently read a book on the topic of leadership written by a former Jesuit priest who traveled to the world of finance. (Heroic Leadership by Chris Lowney) One of the foundations of spiritual exercises of the Jesuits is to foster a spirit of indifference. In essence this means having no earthly attachments and always standing ready to move on to the next thing to which God calls us. Death is not an end; it is a transition. We are called to many transitions in the journey of our faith. Sometimes we are asked to make sacrifices and sometimes we are asked to accept changes. A spirit of indifference does not mean that we are apathetic about the work we are currently doing. It means that we understand that work is God’s work, not our own. It means that we recognize we are His tools and are blessed to be at His disposal.

A spirit of indifference means when God comes knocking at our door we don’t convince ourselves we can’t go because we are so needed where we are, or because of some false sense of humility that causes us to believe we cannot do what He asks us to do. A spirit of indifference means we have our traveling shoes close by and that when we are called we stoop down to buckle them on and move on down by the Jordan stream, ready to go.

A few years ago I had a talk with God and informed Him that I would be quite happy to spend the rest of my working years teaching kindergarten at Faith. Well, who wouldn’t be? Faith has an awesome staff, a beautiful building and kindergarten allows you to spend time with five year olds and play with blocks and paint. Sounds like the perfect fit of shoes, to me. However, now, God has handed me some traveling shoes. These shoes are not yet broken in and have the potential to leave blisters. These shoes are new and the wearing of them is a bit scary, to me. I find myself wanting to remind God that I have flat feet; did He give me shoes that will adequately support my arches? I don’t want to endure any kind of pain or suffering, you know.

My new traveling shoes are going to take me to Selma Alabama through the virtual world of a computer classroom. I will be teaching an undergraduate course on measurements. This is not my area of expertise and therefore this pair of shoes is not a good fit. Yet, God is knocking on my front door. I am stooping down to buckle up my traveling shoes. I know that God is with me and He will give me people who can fill in the blank spaces so I can teach these students. If these traveling shoes give me a blister; He will give me a band-aid.

Abraham and Moses did great things when they answered God’s call and put on their traveling shoes. Joseph had no choice but to travel when he was sold into slavery and God provided him with shoes fit for a pharaoh. He knows what shoes he asks us to wear and He travels with us every step of the way.

A man’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?
Proverbs 20:21

Walking in Truth

My Bible study group is working on Matthew at the moment. We are studying chapters 21 and 22 which is just after the triumphal entry into Jerusalem when things are heating up between Jesus and those who held the keys of power in God’s city. Jesus had just stirred the pot by causing a ruckus with the whole donkey ride incident and now he stirs the pot even further by cleaning up the temple. He looked right at the priests and accused “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.’” Them’s fightin’ words.

Those who were in power, the chief priests, the Pharisees, the Sadducees, the elders, the teachers of the law and even the Herodians, were done being insulted, they were finished with worrying about this upstart from the boonies. These were the people who controlled the temple, the scriptures, the money and the people. Who was this Jesus to come and insult them? Each group had its turn to try and trick Jesus. It was a game of wills. It was a game of wits. However, Jesus was the only one who came armed.

Round one brought the chief priests and the elders. They wanted to know “by what authority are you doing these things?” They thought they were so clever in their trap to expose the charlatan in front of His fans. Jesus retorted with a question they could not safely answer. Was John the Baptist a prophet or a phony? His response to their shoulder shrug: was no answer at all. Because, if they were too afraid to believe in John the Baptist, then they sure couldn’t handle Jesus. These men of fear and lack of action were the sons Jesus spoke of in the next parable, who told their father they would go to work in the field, but didn’t.

Round two was conducted by the Pharisees who hedged their bet by bringing along the Herodians. They thought they had the perfect question. One answer and the Zealots would brand Jesus as a traitor, the other answer would force the Herodians to get Him arrested: “Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar?” The Pharisees were so close to victory they thought they could taste it. A few words from Jesus and their problems would be solved. The world would return to the equilibrium they longed for. Jesus countered with the truth: “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” In one sentence He not only answered their question but He also established separation of state and church. Scripture says the tricksters were amazed. I am thinking chins-scraping-on –dirt-stunned.

Round three was led by the Sadducees. A group of rich, influential men who believed life ended in death, period. They denied the oral tradition of the prophets and held only to the five books of the law. They were full of themselves and probably disgusted that the Pharisees had failed. The swaggered up to Jesus with the “mother-of-all” trap questions. If a woman followed the law and married brother after brother who died, whose wife would she be after the resurrection? You can almost hear them snicker. Jesus looked them right in the eye and gave them the news about their error. Not only did He declare there was a resurrection, but, the afterlife was going to be something different, something their brains could not wrap around. We are told they were silenced. I bet that didn’t happen to the Sadducees very often.

Round four reveals the Pharisees were not sufficiently embarrassed by their last attempt and have come back for more. Now they were running on pure adrenaline. If they could trap Jesus they would win over the so-called prophet and shame the arrogant Sadducees. They found their best lawyer and posed the question they knew would stop this Jesus in His tracks: “Which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” After all, who could answer that? Apparently their memories are short; this is only 21 years after Jesus stayed in the temple for three days amazing the teachers of the law with His knowledge and understanding of scripture as a 12 year old. Jesus answered them immediately by summing all of the law into two commandments: 1. love God, 2. love your neighbor. I have a feeling “love” was a totally new concept to the Pharisees.

Round five is Jesus’ turn to ask the question. He wants the Pharisees to explain how King David could call his son Lord? In all their hours of studying scripture and arguing over every jot and tittle, in all their attempts to use scripture to glorify themselves, take advantage of the weak and to put burdens on God’s people, these experts had missed a very significant prophesy. David’s son would be David’s Lord. Jesus is Lord. When the table was turned and the question posed to the deceivers, they had no answer. They could not say a word and from that day forward they no longer dared to ask Jesus any questions. Instead of plotting the perfect trap they moved on to plotting the perfect death. But, Jesus had the last word on that, too. He didn’t stay dead; He rose again in three days. He established the kingdom of God and it didn’t include those whose lust for power drove them to lead God’s children astray.

This sequence in Scripture makes me think of the current presidential election. I get frustrated when it seems to me that the main objective of each candidate and the media is to trap one of the candidates in the wrong answer to a question. I don’t want to have a president who is good at playing games I want a president who can lead. Jesus’ answers, to the questions posed to Him, show us how He would handle the media. The powerful of His time, threw every intellectual trick in the book at Him, but, he didn’t flinch. He just cut through the trap with the truth. Furthermore, His truth is so new, so real, so refreshing, that we could not even have imagined it. We can only believe it through the power of the Spirit.

Our family has some potential traps in our life right now. I can see in my father-in-law’s eyes that the nursing home is a lonely and confusing place for him. He may be safe, but he is lost. I grieve over the reality that medication may be all that brings him comfort. My mother-in-law is dealing with much change in her life, helping her to see what is safe for her is a challenging thing and I worry over what she may lose in the next year. Our finances have been turned upside down and I do not know what challenges await me in school. And through all this change, my husband and I still need to take time to tend to our marriage and our children. There are potential traps around every corner, but we walk with our hand in the hand of Jesus. He leads us with truth. The answer to the question “where are we going?” is a no-brainer: we are following Jesus.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 4

Self-perception

When I was packing away my teacher books I noticed one I have had since my college years: “100 Ways to Enhance Self-Concept in the Classroom” (Canfield and Wells, 1976). In fact, now that I look at it I am realizing I checked it out of my Dad’s library, probably when I was a student at Concordia.

Sorry about that, Dad, hope you are willing to waive the overdue fees.

Self-concept was a big topic when I was in school. It was still a big topic ten years later when I took my written and oral exams for my masters. Self-concept, as a teaching or parenting philosophy has received a bum rap over the years. The philosophy works under the adage that you can never love yourself too much. Our effort to improve self-concept in children has been blamed for creating self-centered, yet, insecure children who believe they can do no wrong. Activities, like the one on page 43 called “Bragging” in which children were encouraged to take five minutes, each, to list their stellar qualities, do not do much to give us confidence that these methods result in healthy happy children.

Let’s just say that if “self-concept” was a child he/she would need a little affirmation right now.

I have been reading an Ed/Psych text book to bring myself up to date on current issues and interestingly enough; the experts are still talking about the importance of self-concept. Now a child’s self perception is recognized as including three different things:

1. self-concept (Who am I?)

2. self- esteem (How good am I?) and

3. self-worth (How effective am I?)

While it may be more carefully defined, the basic idea has not improved in 30 years. If we base our self-concept on what the world understands about humans, we are setting up ourselves, or our children, for failure. No matter how you define it, study it, measure it, or teach it, we are sinners in a sinful world and we have no SELF worth. We have only GOD worth.

Let’s redefine self-worth through the eyes of faith:

Self- concept: Who am I?

We do not need to spend our lives searching for our true selves. Am I a wife? Teacher? Writer? Sales clerk? If one of these facts is altered does that change who I am? No, I am simply a child of God the Father. He made me and He loves me, no matter what. Who I am does not depend on what I do; it depends on who God is and the relationships He creates with me.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. Isaiah 43:1

Self- esteem: How good am I?

Psychology books urge us to help children find what they are good at and to arrive at a sense that they are basically a good person. Society tells us as adults the same; if you have good intentions, that alone is enough. The Bible turns this upside down. I am not good. Even my good deeds are like dirty rags before the Lord. (Isaiah 64:6) I can never be good enough, or smart enough or fast enough or righteous enough. But, I don’t need to be. I am forgiven through the work of Jesus. My “goodness” is found in the redemptive act of Jesus.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5: 8

Self-worth: How effective am I?

I need not agonize over whether or not I make a difference in the world. Will I leave my mark? Will people remember me? Will history remember me? My truth is I cannot be effective on my own merits. Without God I am useless. My freedom is that this does not matter because I am powered by the Holy Spirit. I am effective as God’s tool, doing His work, for the benefit of His kingdom.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22

When I take that test in my first Psychology class and the professor asks me about the role of a child’s self-perception in learning I guess I will have to make up something that sounds good. For myself, I am eternally grateful that my self-perception, self-concept, self-esteem and self-worth are not dependent on me but on the power and love of God.

I am His precious child and that is enough.

Preparing a room

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me. In My Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:2-3

Our daughter Anne has an interesting job this summer. Her inability to find the perfect job proved to be God’s plan for her to work for her grandparents. Her grandfather has had Alzheimer's for 15 years and her grandmother a heart condition. Anne has been doing a little bit of everything from killing weed trees to cleaning a chicken bone collection out of the shed to painting the nether regions of the outside of the house. God has blessed the time she has spent there; she came home one day with the insight that maybe she was there as much to do the work that Granny could no longer do as she was to be conversation for this creative intelligent woman who bears a burden we cannot understand as she watches the light in her artist husband’s eyes grow dimmer every day.

This week Anne has a new task. She is preparing a room for Grandpa. Granny has been caring for her husband since the day of the diagnosis. She has worked hard to create a safe and interesting environment for him. She counts on the familiarity of a small town to help keep him safe as he walks the neighborhood. She has set up a system of notes that keep him aware of where she is and who he is. She has relentlessly questioned him to keep his brain working as long as possible. She has gently orchestrated his day to assure he has food and sleep and everything else he needs. She has done this well, but the time has come for Grandpa to receive his care from others. He is moving into an Alzheimer section of the local home where a crew of people will provide what Granny has done, alone, for these many years. The time is right; we are sad none-the-less and now Anne prepares the room.

Anne has been waiting for this section of the home to be remodeled. In this time she has visited the room many times, taken measurements, talked with Granny, made plans with Granny’s friend and neighbor about what furniture to help the space feel familiar, what papers from his office that will give him something to remind him of who he is, what art work should adorn the walls to keep the creative side of his brain alive a little bit longer. When she was little, Anne loved to spend time with her grandparents. Every visit resulted in a new piece of “Anne and Grandpa art” for our walls. She even worked with him on his last commission: a sculpture for the children’s museum. Grandpa lovingly prepared experiences for Anne and now Anne prepares his room.

It is hard to know what feelings Anne is experiencing in this task. Anne has very strong leadership skills and she has approached this task as she always does, with much energy, organization and common sense. We do know that she does this out of a deep love for her grandparents. We suspect she endures grief and we know she understands that this is God’s ministry plan for her. Her father and I are proud and grateful.

The scripture verse from John reminds us that Anne is not the only one to be preparing a room. Even as we rise each day to complete the work that God sets before us, a room is being prepared for us. Because of the love of our Heavenly Father, the redemptive act of His Son and the faith work of the Spirit we will live with God in heaven forever. Our room will have what we need, will feel familiar, and will inspire us to constantly praise our creator and protector. While Anne prepares a room for Grandpa, God prepares one for him, also. Just as he is moving into this earthly room, he will one day move into his heavenly room.

God’s love for us is such that His preparations for us are complete. He prepares for our eternal glory, and He prepared His Son to make that glory possible. And while we wait for our room He prepares a life of love and service for us. The scripture verse begins with the assurance that our hearts need not be troubled. In the context of the verse, the disciples had just heard the troubling news that Jesus would be leaving. Jesus was preparing them for their work, too. This same promise is for us. Our hearts need not be troubled as changes bring us stress and grief. God is our Preparer.