Mean, median and more

I’m living in a statistics fog. I have an arduous study schedule for each chapter of the text for my stats class:


1. Read the chapter and take notes
2. Complete sample problems in the chapter
3. Go to supplementary web site and study with the tools offered there
4. Complete online quiz
5. Complete sample quiz in the chapter
6. Go to the professor’s on-line site and complete the sample quiz
7. Cry and eat chocolate
8. Struggle through class, anyway
9. Start all over for the next chapter


Things just don’t stick in my brain. I love words. I love the experience of losing myself in a good description, of precise analogies rolling across the page; I love tasting the words in poems and savoring the blessings of a well written devotion. I especially love God’s Word and how it teaches and heals.


I just don’t get numbers. They are only numbers, to me; they do not conjure up symbols as they are intended to. Numbers just stand there and mock me; reminding me that they will always be outside of my reach. For brief moments I think I understand, and then the feeling passes. In statistics talk, the frequency of my distribution is skewed negatively toward panic.


Right now I am managing to stay at a “B” level with the practice quizzes. However, the practice quizzes are easier than the graded quizzes which are easier than the unit tests which are easier than the final. I am also painfully aware that I need to do better than a “C” on this class or it will be strongly encouraged that I repeat the class. Then, I mistakenly look ahead and see at least two other harder stats classes that I need to take looming in the future. I am left standing dejected and forlorn.


It is really hard to keep myself from chuckin’ it all out the window and going to the kitchen to bake brownies. Of course, if I did that, my textbook would probably crash through the heat pump and then I would be dejected, forlorn and cold . . .but, I would have brownies.


Empathy is a strange thing. We look at the struggle of our neighbor but we cannot understand unless we can connect it to something we ourselves have experienced. When I struggle to understand my text or to keep my focus on the professor when his words mean little to me, I get a small taste of what my son deals with everyday in most of his classes. He is an intelligent person with a brain that works differently than the way his teachers teach. When I give myself a break to do some reading and writing, to remind myself that it is possible for me to think in a coherent manner, I get a small taste of why Joel loves computers.


When I look ahead to the seemingly impossible task of passing this 800 level class only to find that I am merely at base camp for the real climb of two 900 level stats classes, then I get a small glimpse of what my young friend feels on a daily basis when he wishes he didn’t have to be in a wheel chair. When I feel like crying in class because I look around and see the faces of classmates who all seem to understand, I know, a little bit, how Elliot feels when he races to catch up with friends on the playground.


When my own brain causes me to fail and fail again in the minor task of learning how to interpret formulas with Greek letters, I get a small glimpse into the life of my friends and family members whose bodies attack themselves in the form of MS and Alzheimer’s. I can’t know what they are feeling, or what their lives are like, but I can get a small glimpse into the struggle that will hopefully help me to love them better.


It is true that we cannot love except that God loves us first. It is also true that we cannot empathize except that God first had empathy for us. He sent His Son to live with us, to feel with us, to struggle and succeed with us. He sent His Son to BE us. He is able to perfectly empathize and to perfectly love us. In this way we know that when we go to Him in prayer, when we drop all of our struggles, pain and sorrows in His lap, He really does know how we feel. More importantly, he knows how we can feel better. Sometimes He takes the pain and struggle away from us, and sometime He walks us through it. He gently reminds us that He did not walk away from the pain He endured for us.


I just need to be reminded that God invented statistics; He invented statistics to help me and not to harm me. My text book may only give me the answers to the even numbered questions, but God has all the answers. God will lead me to pray and study, to find friends who can help, and pray again. He will also lead me to pray for, and serve, the loved ones who struggle in their own lives so I don’t center myself on my insignificant struggles. Then He will lead me to pray some more.


After that, I will bake brownies (with sprinkles on top.)

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36: 26

Hope in the face of serious math

After 25+ years of teaching young children and 15+years of teaching adults, I understand the importance of hope as it relates to learning. I have seen the research that says that children who have confidence that they can do something are more likely to achieve their goal regardless of ability. I have taught many, many children how to tie their shoes; I could predict which children would learn this skill in a short amount of time based primarily on how confident they were. I even realize that “hope” is a strong emotional skill that promotes a healthy life and effective learning.

I know all of this in my head but my heart is faltering. I am struggling with a lack of hope.

I am taking a statistics class. I actually took this class about 20 years ago for my Masters program. My Dad was the teacher and he graciously passed me. I distinctly remember the day he told us we did not have to worry about completing the math calculations when we did research because our computers would do that for us. I remember a curious whooshing sound coming from my brain. I suspect it was the sound of my brain’s hard drive purging itself of everything it had struggled to learn. Now, I think to myself: “why do I have to prove on quizzes and tests that I can do this math if I won’t have to do it later? Really, I can just trust the experts that it works.”

My current professor is very much like my Dad: he talks very slowly and distinctly as if that will help us to understand, (bless his heart) he tells the same kind of jokes, (all of my Dad’s former students can recite his favorite jokes) he took each person’s picture so he can remember names (my Dad even took my picture) and he is missing the tip of a finger just like my Dad. I realize that this is a rather small sample of the whole population of statistics professors but I hope a fingertip is not the price of working in this field. As a writer, I really need the tips of all of my fingers. And for this class I need all of my fingers to do the math.

I sit in class and do my best to not allow my mind to wander in between the slow easy cadence of his words. I work hard to focus, I take notes, and I read and reread the chapter, check other sources, do the practice quizzes and bring the professor chocolate chip cookies. Yet, I don’t feel that anything I am learning is sticking with me. I definitely lack hope. It is a blessing that I have many people praying for me. Not only do I have to pass this class, but I have to take two more just like it.

Our president-elect knows about hope. His hope is audacious. His hope comes from surviving a difficult up-bringing and going on to achieve great things despite a world that struggles with prejudice and hate. He will need this hope as he heads into his presidency. This country will need his hope, also. Keep him in your prayers.

The hope we have as children of God is audacious in a different way. It is not a hope based on our own goodness or abilities. It is not a hope derived from our own struggles or accomplishments. It is definitely not a hope that rises up from our past. It is a hope based on a God who loved us so much He sent His one and only Son. Our hope is an assurance born of the Resurrection. It is audacious because we do not deserve it. We are math idiots in a graduate level statistics class with no chance that we can learn on our own. We are sinners who are assured heaven even though we do not deserve it and could never attain it on our own. Yet, we have hope; God will do what He has promised.

In my daily Bible reading I just finished Jeremiah and Lamentations and am currently working through Ezekiel. Talk about a time without hope. Israel was in trouble, big trouble, and a just punishment was raining down hard and fast. But, just as a child being sternly reprimanded by a loving parent, Israel had the hope of God’s love and favor and the assurance of the Messiah’s coming. This is a truly audacious hope. This hope is not a maybe, but complete assurance.

The chance of passing this class does not look good to me. I am very glad that I do not need to pass it on my abilities. I will work as hard as I can and continue to bribe, I mean gift the teacher with cookies, but learning this material and passing this class is in God’s hands. How wonderful that He loves me and cares about my puny little needs.

This week I pray for an audacious-assured-sudden-clarity-of-thought-and-math-ability-hope.

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; and great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 21-23

Help me with my unbelief

We’ve got bills coming due and work pay that is late in coming in and I am on the verge of a crisis. Not a real crisis like the health care system in our country today or the crisis felt on Wall Street. No, I have a puny little crisis of faith

Life has unexpected bills. Paul and I have never liked paying for things with credit. We saved money for cars so when one car came to the end of its usefullness we could purchase another used vehicle with cash. We keep a credit card for convenience in on-line and gas station shopping but we pay it off every month. When he gets paid we take out our tithe, pay the mortgage, put the budget amount for groceries into scrip so we know we are eating for the month and then continue on our way. When yearly salary freezes kept us from building up the savings account I got a second job. This is just the way God has led us to take care of our finances. And He has always cared for us.

However, now, He is asking us to take a step of faith. The bills staring at me from the table are not for luxury items: dentist, doctor, furnace repair, and replacing a dying computer are all necessary things. The money I am waiting for will eventually come and employer number five assures me that they will need me to teach that class but they don’t know when. Sooner or later, it will all work out, but for the time being, I worry that maybe I should not take two classes, so I can save some tuition money. The problem is that I will have to take two classes this summer and that is when my work for employer numbers two, three and five will be keeping me extra busy. It all goes round and round in my head and keeps me from falling asleep.

It is a minor problem, in the whole scheme of things. I am not battling cancer, facing bankruptcy, or grieving over the loss of a loved one. My life problem is tiny; my faith problem is huge. I am nearly fifty years old and God has seen fit to care for me every day so far. Why would He stop, now?

One of my favorite fish stories in the Bible is the one about the fish with the coin in its mouth. I can so easily see myself as Peter; finding out in horror that taxes are due and running back to warn Jesus (as if He didn’t already, know.) Jesus didn’t even let Peter get a word in edgewise before He had the problem solved:

…go to the lake and throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin. Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours. Matthew 17: 27

You see, our problems are nothing to Jesus; it is not that He doesn’t care. Jesus lived a human life for us; we know He understands our fears and worries. It is not that Jesus dismisses the problem either. He knew the importance of paying the temple tax and He knows the importance of our problems, too.

No, our problems are nothing to Jesus because He is God and He can solve them as easily as with a coin in the mouth of a fish. Jesus could have told Peter to go get a job and earn the temple tax, but He didn’t. He simply provided the necessary coin.

I am all in favor of careful budgeting and living within your means. I am especially in favor of tithing. But I don’t budget in order to provide for myself and I don’t tithe so that God will return the favor and take care of me. God provides for me. He loves me and He cares for me. That is the whole story. The rest comes from the gratitude that He puts in my heart.

When I start to get snotty and think that my efforts at cost cutting, and my juggling of six part time jobs is what keeps us afloat, then it is time for a faith lesson. And that brings me to one of my other favorite stories: the one of a father with a son who suffered convulsions. He begged Jesus to heal his son, if He could:

“’ If you can’?” said Jesus, “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:23-24

Crossword puzzles

I am a bit of a crossword puzzle fanatic. Okay, I am a certified crossword puzzle fanatic. I am not very good at them, but I enjoy them all the same. I do crosswords alone, I have to do one in order to fall asleep at night, I have gotten angry with family members who have carelessly spilled breakfast food on the newspaper crossword, and I need crossword puzzles to survive some social situations such as long meetings. I don’t lie to my family about puzzles and I don’t secretly spend our family’s life savings on them but I guess I am pretty close to needing a 12 step program like puzzler’s anonymous.

Hello, my name is Kim and I am a ten letter word for one who is obsessively devoted to puzzles.

I am not entirely sure why I enjoy puzzles the way I do. I know I have a thing for words but I suspect that I spend too much of my day using words to tie things up in confusing knots. By the end of the day my brain wants something that can be solved by words to help me accept the confusion my life and sin causes.

Sometimes I get stuck with a puzzle I hand it over to my husband to finish. He always finishes it because he knows, and has instant recall, of every word know to man. This skill is rather amazing and just a little bit unsettling. I was not a crossword puzzle fan when I married him, but somehow I must have known this characteristic would come in handy some day. I feel a bit sorry for him, though. It is no fun to share a crossword with me because of two reasons: I always do them in pen and I always make mistakes. They are a mess when I finally get them finished.

One of my favorite Martin Luther quotes is as follows:

Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong (sin boldly), but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death and the world.

I was drawn to this quote as a young person, even though I did not understand it. It became a little clearer to me when I first started teaching and first started making mistakes that affected people other than me. I came face to face with the cruel hard reality that regardless of how hard I had worked in school over the previous four years, I still did not know everything and my students were suffering because of it. They needed me to sin boldly and then ask and receive forgiveness. I couldn’t help those children who were struggling with learning math or reading, or help those children who were struggling with learning how to treat each other unless I acted boldly. Every situation needs a leader. It is better if the leader is being led by God. No leader, even one led by God, will be able to escape sin and mistakes. The only recourse is to sin boldly and live in mercy and grace.

What a strange way of living! To sin boldly means you dive in to your life with the confidence of three truths: I am a child of God, I am going to mess up my life and the lives around me, and I am forgiven. This is strange to us because we want what we cannot have; we want to create our own perfect heaven. We think we can plan and execute a life that is perfect. Think of the time we waste doing God’s job! We can’t make a perfect world but we can’t sit back and be afraid of doing nothing, either. We must sin boldly and then accept forgiveness, mercy and grace. It is the only way to live in God’s world, as God’s child.

So, I will try to live my life in pen and sin boldly.

But there is more; I would never finish a puzzle if I didn’t work from the mindset that I make mistakes. I have tried finishing puzzles I have found on airplanes. I never finish them because I wrongly assume that the answers already inserted by the passenger before me are correct. I can’t finish a puzzle unless I assume all the answers could be wrong. I have to assume the possibility that every word I put in is a possible mistake, until the whole puzzle is done. I can’t hold on to my mistakes and hope things work out in the end. I have to be willing to admit I was wrong and try a different word. But, this makes for a messy puzzle.

If I am going to sin boldly and live in mercy I better ask God to help me repent. I also need to learn to turn to my crossword puzzle dictionary more often. God gives me all the answers in His Holy Word.

But in keeping with this promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness. So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless, and at peace with him. Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation. 2 Peter 3: 13-15a

Dream Job

I have found my dream job.

My latest job (the total is now up to six) entails sitting in a classroom with students who are absolutely quiet and always on task. Occasionally, I give them directions which they all follow to the letter. No one jumps out of a seat, refuses to do work, or argues about a classmate. At the end of the day they hand in their work and look at me with relief and gratitude. I, in turn, hand in their work, without having to grade anything, and get paid.

Yep, I am supervising high school students while they take one of those well-known college entrance tests.

The fine man who hired me to do this is a bit surprised that I am willing to do the work. I don’t think he understands what I have been working with over the last 26 years of teaching. His wife, a teacher of middle school age students, fully understands I am sure.

I was watching a show on PBS last night called “Status Anxiety.” It expounded an interesting theory about how we cause ourselves immense stress and grief, both as individuals and as a society, when we agonize over status. Am I respected? Am I in the ‘in’ group? Do I live on easy street? Am I doing something important? Am I getting the recognition I deserve? Do I have hope to change my situation or to live the life I dream of?

The commentator traveled far and wide interviewing people about poverty and status. His point was that we are driven, from infancy, to get attention, and this rules our lives. While we certainly see evidence of this in the media I was intrigued by his interviews with a preacher of “prosperity gospel.” The man interviewed left the impression that he believed that your wealth and status was proof that God loved you. I found this even more despicable than the politically ultra-conservative lobbyist for the NRA who insisted that poor people deserved to be poor because they choose to be poor.

C.S. Lewis wrote that the root of all sin is pride. C.S. Lewis was a wise man.

Years ago I read a book that talked about the Amish people. I do not remember the premise of the book but I do remember the description of the Amish lifestyle and especially how much there was a lack of status regarding work to be done. There was no preference for the kind of work, just gratitude that there was work and the ability to do it. I was reminded of this at my retail job last night. I was working the cash register, which during snowy weather also includes a mop to keep the floor by the door dry. I was mopping away and wondering if my mopping was really doing any good or if it was creating a more dangerous surface, when a customer looked at me with such sadness and pity. “Have a good Christmas,” she said, shaking her head and walking sadly away. If I had had a glass on the counter, I think I would have gotten a nice tip.

I find this kind of pity rather strange. My manager for my retail position has apologized to me before because she worries she is taking away from the “important” work I am doing at phd school. I shake my head and reassure her that not only do I need the money but I enjoy this job that gets me out of my office and pulls my head out of a book to talk to real people for a while. The truth is, my work at phd school is a lot about keeping the professors happy and while I find my studies interesting and fulfilling, I doubt they are important in the whole scheme of things.

I have a cartoon pinned to my bulletin board that reads “I guess you don’t need a Ph.D to change the world.”

Abraham Lincoln changed our country and he didn’t even have a college education. For Martin Luther and his namesake, Martin Luther King Jr. a doctorate was just a part of the process. They each changed the world through the hard work of every day jobs and through the guidance of God. Ask any early childhood teacher and he or she will tell you that there is no glamour in mopping up vomit, finding dry pants, or scraping a puddle of glue out of the back of a desk. However, these acts of ministry are vital for the well being of the children in your care. Yes, you literally, share God’s love while mopping.

God is helping me to understand that whatever I am doing at any moment of the day, whether it is mopping floors or grading papers, is the most important thing for me to do at that time. I don’t need to be changing the whole world; I just need to change my little part of it. If it is God’s will, it’s all good.

So that brings me to my prayer for this week; God, let me be doing Your will, and let me be doing it with gratitude and praise.

In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit. Ephesians 2: 21-22

Faith Irony

I wrote a paper for phd school this week. The assignment was to read a book assigned by the prof, pick and audience that might benefit from reading that book, and write a review of the book to encourage them to read it. I found it to be an interesting assignment, especially because I am somewhat obsessed with writing.

I decided to write the review for DCEs working with young adults. I began the review by talking about how researchers can sometimes overgeneralize their findings because they do not spend time in the field observing and working long term with the young adults about which they theorize. I explained how that creates a gap between theory and practice. I knew my intended audience would understand that those in academia often just don’t “get it” when it comes to what teachers and youth workers deal with on a daily basis. I wanted to point out how and why this particular book was different.

My professor sent my paper back with a comment saying he didn’t understand the point of my introduction.

Let’s chalk it up to my first experience with academic irony.

Okay, I will go back and rework the paper. I am grateful that my prof gives this option. I will do what I should have done in the first place, and write the paper with the prof as the intended audience. Besides, for me to clearly explain my introduction would take a good 5000 words and neither he, nor I, have time for that.

I am reminded about a characteristic of 5-6-7 year old children that I always found rather endearing. They were like little police officers, lawyers and judges; they knew all the rules and how to apply them to every one but themselves. If I was talking to the class about a particular behavior I could invariably predict the response. (It is easy to know what young children are thinking because they have the habit of thinking out loud.) They were each sure I didn’t mean them. They would usually even glare at the person they were sure I did intend to talk to. This of course created a situation of students all looking at each other. Covert finger-pointing was usually involved.

I guess they didn’t get the point, either.

So, what is God trying to explain to me? Am I the rare, but, beloved child who knows the rules and actually follows them; or am I the one casting the undeserved glare at someone else? Do I “get it”?

The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers,

the exalted of the earth languish. The earth is defiled by its people;

they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant.

Isaiah 24:4-5

Hmmmm, I wonder if He means me? I wonder if I am a little rankled by my professor’s assertion that “religions think they have invented morality”? Perhaps that is what is behind my obscure introduction. Maybe I wanted to make him squirm a bit. It’s probably a good thing my writing was not very clear. Yeah, I better go back and rewrite.

Each morning before I read my Bible, my prayer is the following verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

From scripture to God’s ears to my heart; let it be so.

He is good. His love endures forever. II Chron. 7:3

MRSA

Two members of our family are battling MRSA infections. MRSA stands for Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus. It's a strain of staph that's resistant to the broad-spectrum antibiotics commonly used to treat it. It can be a serious, even fatal, condition for those with compromised immune systems. In our family it is simply a nuisance that means doctor appointments, sulfa drugs and lots and lots of hand washing.

It occurs to me that in our faith life we often suffer from a different kind of MRSA; perhaps a Multiple Resistant Sin Annoyance. We have those sins such as pride, lack of trust, need for control, that we know we shouldn’t indulge in but yet we are at a loss on how to stop. Each of us has sins that resist our efforts to overcome. They are a nuisance for us and annoyance for our family and friends but if they compromise our faith systems, they can be fatal. No amount of hand washing will prevent the spread of this kind of sin infection.

Conquering a faith MRSA requires a specific regimen:

We must be vigilant in keeping our immune system strong. Instead of exercise, flu shots, and vitamins we need a balanced diet of scripture. We must read and study His word daily.

There are no sulfa drugs to battle this type of infection but we have something stronger. We have confession and absolution that exposes this sin infection to the light of God’s word. Through the forgiveness offered by our Savior and the process of sanctification found in the Spirit we can clean that infection and be rid of it.

Hand washing is highly effective in preventing the spread of bacteria and viruses. The more we wash the better. The same is true of attending worship. Not only do we hear God’s word and receive forgiveness of sins, but we also experience the support of fellowship. We cannot quarantine ourselves during a faith MRSA. We must not keep it hidden; instead we bring our sin out in the open and let God heal it. If we hide it away and refuse to acknowledge and treat our faith MRSA we will find ourselves covered in the faith equivalent of leprosy.

So now, wash your hands and stay safe from a skin infection, but, wash your heart to stay safe from a sin infection. God is your healer.

Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow.

Isaiah 1: 18