In the wrong room

I looked up from my reading and realized that I was in a room with a urinal. This was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

I have a kidney stone. This, in and of itself, is not a problem. However, the fact that the kidney stone is traveling through my renal system is a problem; a rather painful, pesky problem. I went to see my doctor, who sent me to the CT scan people and then to the Urologist. When I saw the urinal on the exam room wall, for a brief second, I panicked thinking I was back in elementary school and had accidentally slipped into the wrong room. Between the urinal, the posters on the wall, and the fact that the exam table didn't even have stirrups, I felt very much out of place.

We get used to the way things ought to be. When I am stressed, in pain and crabby, I don't want unfamiliar surroundings; I want the comfort of a familiar exam room and a familiar face. However, my regular health care provider does not have expertise in this area, so I find myself in a different world. As long as no one expects me to actually use the urinal, I think I am okay.

My kidney stone is in the wrong place, too. As long as it was hanging out in my kidneys things were fine. Now that it has decided to move to a new location, there is a disruption of all things familiar. It is a solid traveling in a world made for liquids. Funny, how that one difference can cause so much mayhem.

Many times during my weekly routine as a university instructor/ graduate student, I feel like I am in the wrong room. Not just the wrong classroom, or the wrong building, but the wrong life. If I had a nickel dollar for every time I said "what was I thinking?" regarding my decision to enroll in this program, I would have paid my tuition AND fees AND had some left over to cover the cost of textbooks.

Like my kidney stone, I am a solid on a campus full of liquids.

I feel like I am the only one who can't understand the statistics, who confuses vocabulary, or who wants to hand in a reflection paper titled "Huh?" I am too old, too tired, and too slow to learn much of what is around me. I love teaching my undergrad students but even in that class I worry someone will ask me a question I can't answer. It is as if my entire world is full of rooms with urinals and I am in a desperate search for a room with stalls.

I gotta quit talking about bathrooms. No really, I have had at least 2 liters of water today.

It is strange to think that because we are in the world but directed to not be of the world, that God created us to be perpetual aliens; strangers in a strange world. We seek belongingness, but do not find it here. We belong with God in His world, but the "here and now" is where we find ourselves. We are people of faith in a faithless world. We know truth in a world that doubts there is any. We cling to values that are considered, at best, to be passé and at worst to be politically incorrect. We read, cite, sing from, and meditate on a book that has never needed a second edition. We stand in a world full of people looking for the next biggest technical marvel that will solve their problems, but we seek only God.

It is no wonder we occasionally panic.

We are aliens. We are children of God; He knows where we are and why we are here. He is what is familiar and inviting when the world seems strange. We feel at home, when we feel His presence.

We should not be surprised when, as people of faith, we stick out like a sore thumb. We should not be surprised others do not understand us, our words, our actions, or our attitudes. When God shines through us, we look as strange to others as the world feels strange to us.

When you feel like an alien; take heart. When the world gives you a funny look; be encouraged. When you feel like you are in the wrong room or the wrong life; know that you are God's child and His purpose for you will unfold.

Even if you are in the wrong room.

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15: 19

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16: 33

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. Romans 8: 27-29

By the way, if you should find you have a kidney stone, take my advice and DON'T do a Google image search. You may find this.

Ruminations and Reappraisals

Oh how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. Your commandment makes me wiser than my enemies, for it is ever with me. Psalm 119: 97-98

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. Ephesians 1: 3-4

And He said to them, "Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" And they did not understand the saying that He spoke to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And His mother treasured up all these things in her heart. Luke 2: 49-50

Some people go through life without a thought or care. Others of us tend to analyze everything we do.

During the years I was blessed to teach kindergarten I remember watching the boys dive into play with few words and little planning and watching the girls verbally discuss and plan every detail to the point where they barely did any playing.

For those of us who spent a large segment of our "doing" time thinking and analyzing we have two ways we can accomplish this chore; we can ruminate or we can reappraise.

When we ruminate we churn things over and over in our minds. We examine every detail, over-praise and over criticize. In ruminating, we see ourselves as being in the center of everything and responsible for all.

Ruminating highly correlates with depression and anxiety. This does not mean that ruminating causes depression or anxiety, or that we can diagnose ourselves, as such, if we find ourselves ruminating. It just means that ruminating often occurs with depression and anxiety. When you ruminate you replay, over and over, the worries and disappointments of the day. In this way, cause yourself to feel sad and worrisome longer.

It is hard to see a good side to rumination; unless, of course, you are bovine.

Reappraising is the alternative to chewing your mental cud. When you reappraise you practice reinterpretation and mindfulness. Instead of reliving the worry, sadness or anxiety over and over, you reinterpret the situation looking for the positive aspect. Then you add to that by practicing mindfulness which is a way of being aware of what is happening and separating yourself from it. New fMRI studies are showing that rumination and reappraisal are accompanied by visible changes in our brains.

So, when we feel sad or worried and we think maybe our repetitive thought are driving us crazy we don't need to worry because it's not just all in our head . . . no wait, maybe it is . . . hmmm, I mean we aren't just imagining this, it is really something that happens . . . or is it? I guess it is happening in our brains but, yet . . . um, I think I am ruminating on this issue. Let's move on.

Whenever I learn a new idea from the world I like to re-examine it through the eyes of faith. And because I am a well-trained Lutheran I usually see things through the lens of law and grace.

Let's try rumination as law and reappraisal as grace.

When we look at our lives in the spirit of the law we can see only what we do wrong and because we have no hope of meeting the demands of the law, on our own, these thoughts sow seeds of despair.

When we look at our lives in the spirit of grace we can be mindful of the fact that God is aware of our wrongs and saves us from them through the redeeming blood of His Son. Through our God-given faith we can begin to see the good that God will bring out of everything that happens to us. We are also confident of the ultimate good found in our salvation.

Now, psychology would tell us to avoid rumination at all costs and to only engage in reappraisal. But, psychology can't save us.

I have known people, like myself, who can wallow in our own mental cud and waste our days ruminating over every little thing. We are not a happy group. People do not want to be around us. We are major party-poopers.

Yet, I have also known people who rewrite everything as not being their fault; convincing themselves they have no need to change or grow. They are not mindful of their own responsibility. They don't see a need to be saved.

Faith tells us we need both law and grace. We need to be mindful of our sin. We need to feel the guilt of what we have done and of what we have left undone.

But God knows we can't stay there. We need to also be mindful of His love and mercy. We need to re-examine the truth that we cannot save ourselves. We need to remember that Salvation has already been won. We need to feel God's forgiveness, and in turn forgive ourselves and those who have hurt us. We need to meditate on this, feel the blessings of this truth, and treasure it in our hearts.

Turn the corner to Christmas

And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn Son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. Luke 2: 6-7

Mary and Joseph turned many corners on their journey to Bethlehem. All the way from the acceptance of the news of the impending birth of a savior to a virgin, to turning the corner behind the Inn only to see the feeding trough that would hold the Savior of the world.

And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Baby lying in a manger. Luke 2:16

The shepherds in the field that quiet night did not even know a corner was in their future. They traveled from their field around the twists and turns of Bethlehem in order to be the first visitors to see the Baby born to bring us peace.

And going into the house they saw the Child with Mary, his mother, and they fell down and worshiped Him. Matthew 2:11

Think for a moment of all the turns made by the magi as they followed the prophesies turning down the road to Bethlehem. What did they think of the Toddler whose face peeked around the corner? Were their hearts filled with joy upon the realization that this Savior sought them, too?

Two thousand years later our children are turning a corner to see the splendor of Christmas. We approach this season, each year, knowing that whatever the year has brought us, the love of God, as seen in the tiny babe wrapped tightly in a blanket, can turn our hearts to joy and hope.

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Mark 16:15

In our world, today, there are many who hide behind the corner of despair. This is not God's plan for any of His people. The saving work of His Son brings us forgiveness and salvation. The faith-building work of the Spirit moves us to take the Gospel message to every corner of the earth.

Abba, Father, Amen.

Walking in a straight line

Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies; make your way straight before me. For there is no truth in their mouth; their inmost self is destruction; their throat is an open grave; they flatter with their tongue. Psalm 5:8-9 ESV

Humans can't walk in a straight line when blindfolded. We may think we can, but 80 years of research has found otherwise. We need a reference point, such as a building, or the warmth of the sun on our face; without such aides, we walk in hopeless circles until we end up, in the best case scenario, back where we started.

Check out the National Public Radio story on this topic here.

Yup, without help, the best we can do is walk in circles. If you are still not sure this is true, ask someone who grew up a generation ago on a farm, to tell you about walking in fog or blizzard conditions. I remember driving to teach at my country school in the fog and while I did find my way, I felt most disoriented by not being able to see landmarks. I got to school only because the road got me there.

While you may grumble about the useless nature of some avenues of research, (no evidence that government money funded this research) you have to admit that as a Christian this strange tendency to veer to the right or left should not come as a surprise. If left to our own ability, our desires, misperceptions and sins lead us off of the straight path and onto a circular path that leads back to our starting point. We are hopeless without God's guidance; we are hopeless without God's correction; we are hopeless without God.

The image of me walking in circles, blindfolded, arms fruitlessly flailing around, is a strong and troublesome one. It describes so much of my faith life. It is the image that comes to mind when I think of the many times when I was sure that I was in control. I ignored God's guidance, or refused to trust that He knew best the path before me and struggled on in my own darkness.

Watch out for that tree!

Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

Let's think, instead, about taking the blindfold off and taking the hand of God. With God's guidance the distractions of our own desires, the misinformation in the world around us, the temptations, designed to lead us astray, become ineffective.

Anything is possible:

So the people shouted, and the trumpets were blown. As soon as the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted a great shout, and the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight before him, and they captured the city. Joshua 6:20 ESV

When we walk in God's wisdom and grace we walk straight. Here the soldiers walked around the city of Jericho. Every day, for a week, they walked in circles: a tireless, seemingly endless trek. They did so with their trust in God and He led them straight into a stunning victory.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, holding on until Friday, and then after the weekend we are back, again, to Monday it may seem like our life goes round in circles. Here it is Thanksgiving and Advent reminds us that Christmas is coming, soon. Didn't we just celebrate the Epiphany? Even my years go around in circles.

As long as those circles travel around my Savior and His Word, then they are circles I don't mind traveling. God's Word, His sacraments, His abiding love, lead me straight to Him.

If it ain’t broke

One of my classes is a Special Education class on Autism Spectrum Disorders. It is a fascinating class for me because it is out of my department so I am in class with people working on different degrees. It also includes virtually no stats; right now that is a big plus.

Autism is tough to nail down. We typically think of the child who is a non-communicator, calming himself down with repetitive motion or a savant who can perfectly play a piano piece after hearing it only once. But, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) can also include the child with weak social skills who constantly reads and talks about one particular topic as well as a whole host of symptoms somewhere in-between these two extremes. The first part of the course covered a long list of characteristics so now I have a hammer that says ASD and every problem I see is a nail. I also find myself worrying that my lack of enthusiasm for social situations means I might be afflicted, as well. How on earth do medical college students make it through school without diagnosing themselves with every illness they study?

There is an interesting debate in the world of autism, including those with milder forms as well as parents with children severely affected. One group wants a cure and the other insists they don't need to be fixed. Depending on the type of autism and its severity a child can be disabled or merely different. For those who work with such children it can be a challenge to identify which skills need work. Certainly a child needs to be able to communicate with other people, but do they all have to have the same level of social skills? Sometimes something viewed as a disability can actually be an ability in a different setting. I remember speaking with a friend who told me her husband had dyslexia but that it was an asset on his job because he could create a mirror image as a tool and die maker. If we "cure" every symptom of autism, will we lose some gifts as a result? Maybe some characteristics of autism do not indicate brokenness.

The struggle with the difference between what is different and what is broken can creep into my faith life, too. I agonize over my looks, my age, my style of dress, gray hair, weight or whether or not my peers think my opinion is valuable, or if my students think I am a good instructor. These are not things worth my worry as they are differences, not brokenness.

What is broken in my life? My worry over differences is a sign of a lack of trust and that is brokenness. My daily, hourly, minute by minute sins are a sign of my brokenness. My misdirected time and attention toward my petty problems and away from God's word, His work and His people, is a sign of my brokenness.

These are the things for which I need a cure.

But the person who does anything with a high hand, whether he is native or a sojourner, reviles the LORD, and that person shall be cut off from among his people. Because he has despised the word of the LORD and has broken His commandment, that person shall be utterly cut off; his iniquity shall be on him. Numbers 15:30-31 ESV

We sin, we doubt, we neglect, and in so doing we create our own brokenness. God our Father picks up the pieces of our brokenness; the saving act of Jesus in His death and resurrection restores wholeness; the Spirit grants understanding allowing us to worship God with a whole heart.

When our brokenness meets God's mercy and forgiveness our differences no longer matter. We are His and we are whole.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved

In him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth. Ephesians 1: 3-10 ESV

A wake up spill

I pulled a super klutzo the other day. I just set down a full glass of pop on my desk. I went to reach for something and slipped and knocked over the glass. 12 ounces of ice cold liquid spilled all over my work, all over my pants and almost all the way across the room as the glass slid on the floor. The good news is I spilled it all over my textbook on multiple regression so I had to wait until it dried to read about single linear regression.

If I were a psychology student I would probably call that a Freudian slip.

I got much from that experience: a temporary reprieve from reading, a heightened awareness of my lap, and enough wakefulness that I may be able to forgo the need for caffeine for awhile.

I also got a good laugh and laughter is good for reducing stress. When you laugh at yourself you put your situation into a better perspective.

I need to take a shower in diet Coke more often.

Life has many conundrums but one I have been considering lately is how even though I know myself better than anyone else on earth knows me, I can't really know myself because I can't step back and see me from a better perspective. I know only what goes on in my head. I see the world through a dark glass and cannot know, completely, how my actions affect others.

I also can't see the big picture; my memory of the past is highly selective and I have no hope of seeing what is around the corner.

But I do have hope. I have a hope that is an assurance and that comes from knowing that God has that perspective. He has that perspective of the bigger picture and He uses it to our advantage. He knows, now, what we need and He knows the best way to provide it for us so that we have what we need for our lifetime. He has the big picture perspective and He shows it to us as we need it.

The other day I was driving home after a long day of rain and classes. I saw a piece of a rainbow that periodically would show itself as traversing across the sky. For a few seconds I could see a triple rainbow and then suddenly just a small piece of the arc.

When we see just a piece of the rainbow we know it has the potential to be much more. We trust that the rainbow really goes all the way across the sky and sometimes God lets us see that beauty. Even if we can't see the whole rainbow, we know that God can.

I don't know what God is teaching me about statistics. Apparently from the results of my last test it is not very much about confidence intervals. (sigh) But I do know that He has the big picture and that the perspective is a good one.

Our cat got a wakeup call the other day. My husband dialed his cell phone in order to locate it only to see a strange expression on the cat's face; she was sitting on a vibrating phone.

May God bless your day with laughter, perspective, rainbows, pleasant wakeup calls and HOPE!

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations. Deuteronomy 7:9 ESV

Apple of His Eye

I started reading my text book for the stats class I am taking. I kid you not—this is what it says:

We wanted to write a brief manual for our students. And we started to do this. We soon realized, however, that it did not seem possible to write a brief exposition of multiple regression analysis that students would understand. We then decided to write a book. (Pedhazur, 1997)

This precedes 1028 pages of numbers and words that will define my life for the next semester.

I know I am stressed because I can feel it in my temples, jaw and neck. I presume this means I am clenching my teeth. I know I am stressed because I have a persistent ache in my shoulders that sometimes travels down my arms to my fingertips and cascades down my back. I know I am stressed because I have a headache all the time.

And I know why I am stressed.

Sure, it is true that I am in way over my head in this stats class. It is also true that I have a stressful semester as I am teaching two new classes with a total of 85 students. And I am equally sure that a complete change of routine – even moving to a new office, increases stress; at least until I get used to things.

But, that is not why I am stressed.

I am stressed because I think I am in control and that makes me panic. But, I am not in control, God is.

God loves me, no matter what. He doesn't ask me to do anything to earn that love. He just loves me, because He is God; He is my creator; He is my Savior; He is my Comforter.

And He knows about multiple regression analysis because He created it.

He doesn't look at me and shake His head. He doesn't grumble to Himself "If only she would trust me. It's not like I haven't solved problems for her before. Will she ever learn?"

He doesn't do this. Instead He loves me, forgives me, comforts me.

Because of this all encompassing agape love, He teaches me to trust.

If it is God's will, I will pass this class. If I can get my teeth to stop clenching I might even learn something. If it is not God's will for me to pass, He will bring good out of it.

I have seen Him do it before; He will do it again and again and again.

Because He loves me.

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17: 7-8