Faking it

It has been a long summer.

It was named the summer of research. It began with interviews and painstaking transcriptions. It continued with coding words and phrases, sorting information, re-coding, thinking, theorizing and now writing. It is the game called "Dissertation or Quit."

The summer has been interrupted by my dear mother-in-law’s passing and by a belated memorial service for my mother’s sister. My sister and I have spent much time helping my mother after she broke her leg. Helping with wheelchairs and transportation, finances and health decisions, doctor appointments, apartment cleaning, laundry, late night calls from Lifeline, and the slow but certain revelation that she needs to move to another level of care. 

Through all of this I continue to carve out time to write and rewrite and edit and write some more.

Today was a day of discouragement.

My typing is bad. My arm never quite healed and numb fingers cannot find the keys like they used to. My brain is tired. The computer is playing tricks on me that require searching for solutions that don't seem to help. One technical problem after another until finally everything froze. 

Now, in an oddly fitting end to the day, I find I cannot sleep.

During the day, problems make me frustrated, tired, angry, discouraged. At night, those same problems turn into doubts, worries, and fears.

This dissertation project is too big.

I am not smart enough.

I will be found out.

I have too many interruptions. I can’t get it done. I will never graduate.

I will fail.

I imagine my dissertation defense as a strange episode of Penn and Teller: Fool Us where I spend an hour trying to fool my committee into believing that I am smart and if I  successfully fool them I win I Ph.D. 

I am not fooling anyone.

I will lose.

Once again, it is time to stop playing this game - the fake it 'til you make it - game.

This graduate school adventure game is not mine to win. On a good day, I feel as if I am treading water. On a bad day, a day like today, I feel like I am drowning.

But it is not my game to win.

I cannot fake anything. I am weak. I am poor of spirit. I am helpless.

I am God's precious child. This game - if it is to be won - will be won by God.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith -

Tonight I pray for God's wisdom, for God's strength, for God's mercy. Only His will can accomplish what my failing, faking efforts cannot do.

 

 - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Tonight God reminds me that He has the plan and the wherewithal to accomplish His will. He reminds me of His complete and perfect love. He fills me with His peace. He is far more abundant than any problem I could worry over. 

 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according tot he power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen Ephesians 3:14-21, ESV

Living within our means

The church should live within its means.

I have heard this phrase many times, and it sits uneasily on my heart. At first glance, it makes sense. My husband and I earn income, and it is important that we do not spend what we do not have. If we incur an enormous debt, we might risk bankruptcy. We need to live within our means, shouldn’t the church do the same?

Here is the thing. In my years of studying the Bible, I have never found scriptural proof that a church should live within its means.

God did not encourage Moses to live within his means when he walked the children of Israel across the Red Sea -- God provided.

God did not ask Solomon to build a temple within a budget -- God provided.

God did not ask the church of the New Testament to work within a budget -- God provided.

Our Good and Gracious Lord knows that Lutherans know how to work a budget. We are good at thinking things through, making a plan, and sticking to it.

What we are not good at is giving – or trusting. Instead, we try to live within our means. And that is where the trouble begins.

People gripe about covering costs beyond the budget when the problem started at the offering plate. The church and school tighten the belt a bit more, the church workers feel the belt tighten each year. Salaries freeze, workers, are let go, insurance benefits are cut back, the workers provide the supplies. Even through all of this, the church workers are saddest when ministry is cut back.

All of this in the name of living within our means. 

This attitude is small minded. It is evidence of a lack of trust. It is arrogance in the face of what God can, and does, do for us. It is dangerous.

I am not advocating for churches to spend without care, without thought, without prayer. I am advocating for putting our trust in God rather than in budgets.

My mother lives in retirement housing. She has lived on her own for quite a while, but this time is coming to an end. The falls (and broken bones) are becoming more frequent. She is currently in a wheelchair with her leg in a cast. She has diabetes and cannot see. She cannot bathe herself, clean the apartment, do her laundry, grocery shop, or get herself to a doctor’s appointment. 

Yet, she wants to live within her means. She does not wish to put her trust in others to care for her. She cannot see that others are already doing this. Health aids, nurses, assistants, her children; many people come to her aid to patch together a safe living for her. 

She no longer lives within her means.

This evening the LifeLine people called me to let me know that she had fallen again. It took me close to 30 minutes to get to her apartment, find someone with a key, try to help her up and eventually call the fire department in order to get her off the floor and safely onto her bed. If she were living in an assisted living facility, she would have received help within minutes. Her desire to live within her means is becoming dangerous to her well-being. 

While we were waiting for the fire department, I mentioned that it might be past the time when she can live alone. She quietly agreed. This conversation will continue.

None of us can truthfully live within our means. Our means are limited. Our means are small-minded and weak. Our means are blind to the needs of others and to the possibilities that only God can see.

Our means are weighed down by our sin.

We must live within God’s means. We have a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present.

We can only live within His means of Grace: the Word, the Sacraments, the saving work of Jesus’ death and resurrection, the blessing of the Father, and the power of the Spirit. 

Why would we want to live within our means when we have God?

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
   He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Psalm 23, ESV