Forget or forgive?

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
    whose sin is covered.
 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
    and in whose spirit there is no deceit.  Psalm 32:1-2 (ESV)

I did it, again.  We had a warm spell and I sent our cat outside for some fresh air.  Then, I promptly forgot her.  Several hours later I let her back in and she instantly forgave me.  She was so excited to be back in the house, to be warm, and to fed that she licked my face clean with appreciation.  She even followed me around, sat in my lap, and purred.  She rarely sits in my lap.  

Her reaction reminded me of a story from THE HOUSE AT POOH CORNER when Rabbit tries to predict a reaction from Tigger:

“Because he’ll be a Humble Tigger.  Because he’ll be a Sad Tigger a Melancholy Tigger, a Small and Sorry Tigger, an Oh-Rabbit-I-am-glad-to-see you Tigger.”  (A.A. Milne)

She forgot I was the one who let her out for so long.  She only knew she was glad to be let in.

We moved Paul’s mother Dorris into a memory care facility last week.  It took only half a day, but it was a busy day.  She and I sorted through her clothes to winnow things down to a more manageable- easier to pick something to wear- number.  We got her into her new room in time to eat lunch with new neighbors and left her hoping she would settle into a nap. 

 

By 7:00pm that evening, she called me over to her new residence.  She could not settle down because nothing seemed familiar.  She did not know anyone, and was convinced no one knew her.  When I got past the locked door and came into her view she came at me so fast I thought she would fall over from pure momentum.  She greeted me with:

 “I am so glad to see you!”   

She followed me around.  Then she gave me a hug; she rarely gives hugs.

We found an employee and discovered that this kind person did indeed know who Dorris was.  We walked to her room and I let her talk and wind down while one-by-one I turned out the lights.  It seemed vaguely familiar to the procedure for calming my daughter towards sleepiness when she was younger. 

I could not give Dorris what she wanted: her home, her memory, or even a familiar place.  I was one of four people who had created this misery by moving her for the third time in a little over a year.  Nothing made sense; not even my calm resolute responses to her complaints.

Yet, she was glad to see me. 

We have a Heavenly Father who never forgets.  He never forgets who or where we are.  He never forgets our needs.  He never forgets to bless us.  He never even forgets the number of hairs on our heads.

Yet, He willingly forgets our sin. 

We sin against Him, against our neighbor, and against our better interests and God forgives us and welcomes us with open arms.  He sets aside His omniscience, His perfect and complete knowledge of everything, in order to look at us with love and grace. 

We did not just accidentally leave God locked out of the house, or even move him to an unfamiliar place.  Instead, we killed His Son.

And because of the death and resurrection of His Son, God is glad to see us as His perfect children. 

He is glad to see us.  He is glad to see us, every day. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
 who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases, Psalm 103:1-5 (ESV)

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.  He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1: 11-14 (ESV)

Rend the curtain

Shane Koycsan’s  spoken voice poem called To This Day,  is a poignant description of the effects of bullying.  “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” is a hollow phrase when it is remembered that the long-term effect of name-calling and other harassment is to create a divide, or draw a curtain between the one hearing and the one speaking. 

 

A bullied child is a lonely child.  He/she does not have permission to step into the inner circle.  This lack of acceptance creates a lack of relationship, which can have long-term effects because there is not a way for the child to learn what friendship means.  To learn what it means to love and be loved.

It is not the pain of the name; it is the pain of loneliness and rejection.

Names will hurt; they will hurt for a long, long time.

I frequently noted that the children most likely to bully were not mean or arrogant.  In my assessment, they were afraid.  Often, they were afraid of losing esteem from others or afraid of looking stupid.  More often than not, they were afraid of someone who was different – as if the difference of someone else reflected poorly on them.  If he doesn’t like the same football team, if she doesn’t dress the same way, if he isn’t interested in the same things, if she doesn’t know the rules about what is cool, then maybe what I am doing is wrong. 

The bullied child must be isolated so the insecurities of the bully can be appeased.  

 

Fear becomes contempt.  A curtain is drawn and a child is isolated from a relationship.

I find this to be equally true of adults.

I was thinking about the concept of fear becoming contempt when I was reading Numbers chapter 14.  Here the Children of Israel react in fear to what ten of the spies sent to the promise land have to report:

However, the people who dwell in the land are strong, and the cities are fortified and very large. . . Then the men who had gone up with him said, “We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we are.”  So they brought to the people of Israel a bad report of the land that they had spied out, saying, “The land, through which we have gone to spy it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants, and all the people that we saw in it are of great height.  Numbers 11: 31. . .32-33 (ESV)

Not even the words of Joshua and Caleb could ease the fear and prevent the Israelites from rebelling against God.  In chapter 14, verse 11, the LORD asks Moses:

“How long will this people despise me?”  Numbers 14: 11 (ESV)

Their fear turned to contempt.  They drew up a curtain and separated themselves from a relationship with God. 

It’s all about the relationship.  When there is a curtain, the relationship suffers.

I know in my heart I am not capable of saving myself.  This creates a fear that permeates my life, and breath, and soul.  One would think that this fear would turn me to God, yet I cling to the sin that I should trust only myself.  God has the strength I desire so my fear about my situation becomes contempt for God. 

My sin, my fear, my lack of trust, my pride all draw up a curtain between God and me. 

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit. And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. Matthew 27:50-51

This is God’s response to my fear and my contempt.  Jesus gives His life and God’s love rips the curtain from top to bottom.

  

It’s all about the relationship.  In bullying and in faith; it’s about the relationship. And only God can mend that relationship.

Here are God’s words to those who are being bullied and to those of us who draw our own relationship curtains: TRUST

Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;
    all day long an attacker oppresses me;
 my enemies trample on me all day long,
    for many attack me proudly.
 When I am afraid,
    I put my trust in you.
 In God, whose word I praise,
    in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
    What can flesh do to me?

 All day long they injure my cause;
    all their thoughts are against me for evil.
 They stir up strife, they lurk;
    they watch my steps,
    as they have waited for my life.
For their crime will they escape?
    In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!

You have kept count of my tossings;
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?
 Then my enemies will turn back
    in the day when I call.
    This I know, thatGod is for me.
 In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise,
 in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
    What can man do to me? Psalm 56: 1-11

The convenient forgetting of sin

My mother-in-law does not remember that she is a bit wobbly on her feet.  Each time she lists to the side she is amazed that she almost fell.  “Well, I’ve never done that before,” she usually asserts.  Because she doesn’t remember her wobbles, or her falls, she is reluctant to use the cane recommended by her doctor. 

I accidentally found a way to avoid an argument about the cane when I informed her that without it we could not get away with using the handicapped parking hanging tag.  She really enjoys prime parking and the idea that she is getting away with something.  The last time we got out of the car she asked me if I thought she should limp to really make it look good.

You go, Dorris.  Eighty years old, wobbly on your feet and on your memories, and still finding delight in sticking it to the man. 

Sometimes she looks at me and sighs in despair.  When I ask her what is wrong she tells me that I shouldn’t have the burden of caring for her.

This is one memory I wish I could preserve in her mind: Dorris, you are not a burden.  I love you.

I do admit it wears me out to take her some place as I must constantly think about the safest path to a chair, encourage her to take my arm and remind her to “use the cane instead of swinging it around.”  I find her a seat and go to take care of something, but must frequently turn my head to be sure she has not wandered off. It strains my brain to try to stay one step ahead of her.  Even with a fading memory I suspect she still tops me by several IQ points.   It wears me out to try to remember what she says and how she reacts so that Paul and I can make thoughtful decisions about the level of care she needs without prematurely taking away any freedoms she might have at the moment.

It wears me out, but it is a good tired; it is a privileged tired.

I thought about lost memories and burdens when I worshiped at the Ash Wednesday service.  We come to Christ burdened with our sin and that sin becomes His burden.  

But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 (ESV)

It is a burden He took on willingly, lovingly and completely.  This truth is something we need to remember, yet, it is too easy to forget.

I know that for me, it is easy to forget my sin.  Once I do that, I lose sight of why I need my Savior.  This is a constant struggle of this life, but what amazes me, again and again, is how difficult it is for me to forget my neighbor’s sin.

Young children are convinced that everything they do is an “accident” while what their peers perpetrate against them was surely “on purpose.”  This comes from a lack of perspective taking; a skill young children are just beginning to learn.

As an adult, however, I have no such excuse.  If I can so easily forget my sin, I need to learn to forget the hurt someone else has caused me.  I think what often gets in the way of this forgiveness is the motive I assume the other person has for their behavior.  

She just wants to put me down so she can feel superior.

He just wants to keep me quiet.

She just wants to hurt me because she is angry.

He just wants to make himself look good.

Forgiving the sin would be easier if I could stop assuming I know the motive.  

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” I Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

God asks me to forgive the behavior (even as He forgives my sins) and to remind me that assigning motives is not my job any more than it is a skill I can accurately accomplish. This frees me from a significant burden.  It steers me back to my relationship with God and in this way strengthens my relationship with my fellow Christians. 

May this Lenten season reminds us of Christ’s complete love and sacrifice.  May it be a season that reminds us we do not carry the burden of our sin and we do not carry the burden of the sin of others.

Our burdens have been exchanged for love.

The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! John 1:29 (ESV)

Learned Helplessness

I heard a wonderful speaker at Concordia University Nebraska.   Rev. James L. Brooks from Harmony Community Church in Chicago talked about the ministry opportunities and challenges in Lawndale, Illinois, home of Martin Luther King Jr. before he was killed.  In the process of his talk, he reminded us of a psychological discovery of Martin Seligman known as learned helplessness.

This discovery was found by accident when Dr. Seligman was studying depression.  Because he was a well-trained Behaviorist, he conducted experiments on animals in order to better understand humans.

Or so Behaviorists hoped.

In the experiments dogs were put in cages and subjected to mild electrical shocks.  The dogs given a means of stopping the shocks soon learned to do this.  

At this outcome, the Behaviorists nodded their heads in agreement.

But, the dogs that had no escape from the shocks, simply learned to sit down and suffer through it.

 

Here the Behaviorists raised their eyebrows in disbelief. 

 

This phenomenon was called learned helplessness because the dogs learned to perceived an absence of control.  Subsequent experiments with the helpless dogs showed that if they were moved to a cage that offered an option to stop the shocks, they would ignore that option and give in to learned helplessness.

 

At this point the Behaviorists are stunned and confused. 

 

Constuctivists: 1   Behaviorsits: 0

Learned helplessness is common in those who are depressed and people who are generally pessimistic about their abilities to control their situation are more prone to learned helplessness.  Just like it does not make sense that the dogs would neglect to try things that would improve their situation regarding electric shocks; it is confusing to us when we see people who do not do anything to improve their lives. 

 

Their situations have taught them, correctly or not, that they are helpless. Helpless to prevent the violence; helpless to achieve in school; helpless to survive into adulthood.

At this point, Rev, Brooks reminded us about the history of Lawndale.  He reminded us of how the area was redlined, how housing prices were artificially raised and financial credit was denied.  This situation, along with landlords happy to let their properties become slums as long as they were able to collect high rent from people denied financing to buy homes, created a situation that promoted learned helplessness.  This environment then deteriorated as the strength found in families was threatened.  The decline of family has left the area crime-ridden and the people without hope.

In case we think that red-lining was an evil of the past, we should be reminded that in the last sub-prime loan crisis it has been found that banks purposely pushed minorities into sub-prime loans even when they qualified for prime loans.  Whenever evil finds a way to profit; it thrives.

 

Learned helplessness is the state we are in when it comes to our sin and salvation.  We cannot get out from under the burden of our sin and the pain it causes us.  We may try to fight our sin.  We may try to deny it. We may even give in to our sin, thinking if we cannot stop it, we might as well enjoy it. 

For your arrows have sunk into me,
    and your hand has come down on me.

There is no soundness in my flesh
    because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
    because of my sin.
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
    like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me. Psalm 38: 2-4(ESV)

However, the only real response is to relinquish any control we may think we have. 

For I am ready to fall,
    and my pain is ever before me.
 I confess my iniquity;
    I am sorry for my sin. Psalm 38: 17-18 (ESV)

When it comes to sin, learned helplessness is our best option.  We must confess that we have no control over our sin or the pain it causes us.  We must fall into the arms of Salvation.

Do not forsake me, O Lord!
    O my God, be not far from me!
 Make haste to help me,
    O Lord, my salvation! Psalm 38: 21-22 (ESV)

Just imagine what the Behaviorists would say to that?  They would surely shake their head and turn and walk away.  There is no good scientific theory to explain this reaction. 

As we learn about fellow brothers and sisters who live a life of pain and challenge, we need to remember about learned helplessness.  We need to better understand why people who live in grief may not pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  We need to remember that we have grown up in a world where we have frequently had help, good models, family support.  We have rarely been redlined into a world of anything but our own sin. 

Just as it makes little sense to the world that we Christians would relinquish control of our sin and pain to take the hand of the One who offers Grace and Salvation. We need to stop expecting people who live in constant struggle to do what we expect.  Instead, we should go to them, sit down with them, and offer the hand of grace and mercy even as it has been offered to us.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36 (ESV)

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
    whose sin is covered. Psalm 32:1 (ESV)