Friday, October 9, 2009

Wait, what am I supposed to be doing?

I just got back from an errand run. I intended to mail a birthday package to a friend, drop off a coat at the dry cleaners, and deliver a stool sample to the vet. I got home and stopped to wonder if I actually got everything to the right place. Surely, the vet would have said something if I dropped off my thrift shop find there, but, I sure hope I didn't accidentally mail my friend the stool sample. I think, maybe, I have too many things on my mental list and some practical awareness ability is starting to go.

Oh, good, the vet just called; my wool coat has a bacterial infection.

It feels like the semester has barely begun and yet midterms are right around the corner. I have lots of papers due and projects to start, and grading to complete. It is also time to get ready for next semester in terms of picking classes to take and class time slots for teaching. I create a list of things to do and sit down and wonder where to start. Next week, I fly to Oregon to present at a teacher's conference. I am relieved, that while I am on that trip, I will only be responsible for one thing at a time. I am blessed to have Paul come along to drive. In my present condition (Old age? Grad student dementia?) I didn't think even MapQuest could get me from the airport to the conference center, nearly 2 hours away. I had a feeling I would get on some highway and not stop until I realized I was in Alaska.

Wait, did I just see former Gov. Palin? I think I made a wrong turn somewhere.

I sit at my desk in my office and nervously check my schedule. What time is it? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I manage to make sure I show up to the right classroom at the right time to either teach or learn, but, just barely. I find myself slowly becoming more and more like my advisor who looked up at me the other day and asked "what building is it that I teach in, again?"

Seriously, I kid you, not.

No, really, he did. And this man is my mentor. Even though it is a long time away, yet, I hope we both make it to my dissertation defense.

My life is full of busyness, confusion, and barely hanging on. My life is full of disorder, but my God is not.

For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace. I Corinthians 14:33

In the midst of all my confusion, I can have peace, because of the orderly, thoughtful, complete, nurturing, redemptive love of my Savior and God. My life is a mess with decisions and responsibilities, surrounded by my weaknesses and inadequacies. My world is a mess with sin and grief. Yet, in that sin and grief I know that my God orders my days, protects me from harm and leads me to the place I need to be; by His side.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

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