Cognating about cognition

I just finished a small blizzard with snickers. I have developed, over a lifetime, a rather nasty habit of rewarding, consoling, and comforting myself with sweets. I just took my first test in PhD school and it left me with a headache that only Dairy Queen can cure.

The test was 61 multiple choice questions wherein my professor was attempting to assess complex achievement via interpretive exercises. I only know this because it comes from chapter 9 in the textbook for the class on assessment that I am teaching. Unfortunately, this fact was not included on the test I took.

The professor says he is not trying to trick us, yet somehow we feel tricked when it is all said and done. As students, who possess hopefully at least half of his intelligence, we are pretty much working on a different level. What is merely an interesting puzzle for him is an insurmountable challenge for us. If this is what it feels like to be an emergent psychology student, I wonder if I will ever be fluent.

Even though it may not be apparent in my test grade, I am learning in this class. Not only do I have a whole set of new vocabulary terms (that I need to remind myself are useful only to people studying this topic, so probably I should not try to remember them by slipping them into casual conversation, although this would be an excellent example of metacognition.) but I seem to see examples of what he teaches in every corner of my day.

In other words this prof, has begun to change my way of thinking and changed my way of viewing the world just by torturing me with a test. (Umm, I mean, by giving me this wonderful opportunity to show him what I have learned.) I now see the world through the eyes of theories, schemas and paradigms. I am not sure, yet, if this is helpful, but there it is none-the-less.

God changes us, when we aren’t watching. When we think we are doing our best to survive He comes in and changes our way of looking at the world. When we want to veer off onto our own path, when we want to pull out our own map and make a new plan for how to get to our destination, God plants a detour. We think we are going out of our way and He knows we are headed right where we should be going. As much as I like to plan out every detail, I think I am glad that I cannot see the entire itinerary.

With God’s help I will just trust and drive through this journey. However, I will stop at any Dairy Queens along the way. Old habits are hard to break.

He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs;

there He brought the hungry to live and they founded a city where they could settle.

They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest;

He blessed them and their numbers greatly increased,

and He did not let their herds diminish.

Psalm 107:35-38

Catching a glimpse of heaven

My niece is expecting a baby. I am very excited to be a grand-auntie. She and her husband have a sealed envelope on their refrigerator that indicates the gender of the baby; they do not want to know before the birthday. However, all of the aunties and the soon to be grandma, want to know. We figure it would make gift buying so much easier. I want to try to convince her to mail me the envelope so I can have a glimpse of its contents. I promise not to tell her, but I will share the news with my sister and all the other aunties.

I have a test coming up on Monday. (stop here and say a short fervent prayer) ( thank you) I am up to my neck in “isms” such as nativism, empiricism, interactionism, constructivism, and even rationalist constructivism. Ism havingism troubleism thinkingism ofism anythingism elseism.

I am not actually worried about the test. Hmm, is that a rationalization-ism? Okay, I am a bit worried. I wish I could get just a glimpse of the test. Not to cheat, mind you; after all, we are studying moral development. No, I would use my glimpse just to make sure that I am studying the right isms.

Maybe I better take another glimpse of my notes, instead.

God has been blessing me this week with something much more important than any ism thought up by any earthly philosopher. He has been blessing me with small sweet glimpses of heaven.

My first glimpse came in the form of notes in the mail from good friends. These notes remind me that I am surrounded by love and prayers. These friends have pointed me to the truth that God’s plan is bigger than what I can imagine and that His attention is on every detail. If you are a person who sends notes, gives hugs, or otherwise checks on people, please know that you should never underestimate the value of what God has called you to do. The children of God are blessed by your encouragement.

My second glimpse was in seeing networks of people pulling together to help two families I love and pray for. This is God’s work. The praying and the doing, the planning and the caring, the laughing and the loving; friends gathered together to stand by a fellow brother or sister in a time of crisis. In heaven we will not need fundraisers or meals brought to our house. In heaven we will stand with the people who stood with us on earth and look into the face of God with joy. I know that the church puts more emphasis on, and gives more honor to, things that have numbers. Counting members, dollars, programs, new churches, missionaries, etc. is all very important to the work of God. But, bringing a meal, providing a shoulder to cry on, lending a hand or a listening ear; these are the small sweet glimpses of heaven.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.

Isaiah 66:13

Today I want to quit

Today, I want to quit.

This is what comes from waking up in the morning and before I even open my eyes I can see the all too familiar shiny coiled snake in my field of vision that indicates a migraine. I managed to escape the headache but spent the day feeling I was wearing a physical and mental Pillsbury dough boy suit that ground the pace of the day to a halt.

It didn’t make things any better to receive a letter in the mail saying a hold was going to be put on my registration because I did not get a measles and mumps vaccination. I called the number on the bottom of the page and the fine young lady I spoke with didn’t seem to know what to do with someone old enough to predate MMR vaccinations. She stuttered when I told her I had measles when I was five and mumps when I was eight and I was vaccinated, just in case, when I was an undergrad almost 30 years ago. Apparently, I still need to be vaccinated because all of this happened too long ago. How ironic that I will most likely be getting that childhood vaccination at the same appointment where my health care provider and I will be discussing the results of my bone density test.

Later in the day I had an email conversation with a friend that confirmed my suspicions about an institution of higher education that is near and dear to my heart. The devil is at work and he is greatly interfering with the good that institution could be accomplishing. I am frustrated with my connection to that institution and I am ready to quit.

This feeling of wanting to quit has always been a strange one. I don’t really want to quit. Or at least I never have. I am just tired of rediscovering the truth that I am a sinner living in a sinful world so there is always something looming on the horizon that I don’t want to face. Deep down I know that quitting won’t fix this. We all have things in life that we want to quit and most of us can’t.

If you are the parent, spouse, or the victim of a chronic illness, you can’t quit. If you live in a violence filled part of the world, including many areas of our own country, you can’t quit. If you are being wrongfully persecuted you can’t quit. And quitting is certainly not a reasonable option if you are a Christian, regardless of your life circumstances.

No, I don’t really want to quit; I just want everything to be easy. I don’t want to face my sin. I want to quit before real repentance happens. It is not so much that I want to quit as it is a realization that I don’t want to have to change. The key to what is wrong with the phrase “I want to quit” is not the last word but the first two words: “I want.” These words put my faith in me, not in God. These words put my focus on me and not on His ministry. These words are my sin and my weakness.

I was young and now I am old;

yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken

or their children begging bread.

Psalm 37: 25

For most of his young adult life, King David had a life he probably wanted to quit. He faced real danger and real persecution and knew he did not have the option of quitting. He did not aspire to be King; he had been anointed by God. No matter his life circumstances he had to continue on the road set out before him. His words are a good reminder to me that God knows what He is doing. He knows better than I. He does not abandon His children.

Earlier words in the same psalm show me my need for change. I do not need to “quit” what I am doing; I need to ask God to change my priorities:

Delight yourself in the LORD

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Who is in control, here?

I’m into my second week of graduate class and I find it to be an interesting world. The classes have important sounding names and huge expensive textbooks that make you feel you will be learning everything there is in the world to know.

It is interesting how when you go to class you learn more about the professor than the subject matter at hand.

I remember being newly married and excited to take a class from my father-in-law. Being an artist and an inventor he had a reputation for being somewhat of a free-spirit and he did not disappoint. I learned new ways of looking at God’s world and new perspectives for teaching children from a professor who surprised us by occasionally standing on a chair to make a point. Recently, while cleaning at my mother-in-law’s house, I found a copy of a letter she wrote her family. In it she expounded on the fact that Marx was a bit nervous about having his daughter-in-law in class and was determined to get serious about teaching this semester.

My current professors do not stand on their chairs (unless the media screen gets stuck) but one professor does sit on the desk cross-legged. I am somehow pleased to see he wears Birkenstocks; as if that verifies the validity of his lecture.

Another of my professors paces the floor and tells us that learning comes down to “skill and will.” He expounds that if we learn, model and teach good learning strategies we will retain control over what we know.

That “c” word makes me a little nervous. God has spent most of my adult life trying to teach me that I have no control.

In his introductory lecture this professor informed us that his learning strategies could help us take control of "out of control situations." He warned us that we might have a child with Autism, a spouse with MS, or a parent with Alzheimer’s and that if we had the right learning strategies we could keep the doctors and experts from wrestling control from our hands.

Hmm, is that so?

I don’t have experience with a child with Autism but when our three year old son started having idiopathic seizures I started reading books on Epilepsy. I read no less than a dozen books including a medical text. Not once during the years Joel suffered seizures, ambulance rides, emergency room visits, medicine that made it nearly impossible to learn, and medical tests and blood draws did I ever, ever feel I had control.

I lost a close friend this summer to MS. She was valedictorian of our high school class and lettered in every sport she tried out for. She was a stand-out athlete for the Huskers and earned many awards in her college coaching career. She was an intelligent, loving and talented child of God. I am certain that she kept abreast of the most current information regarding her illness and did whatever she could to stay healthy and alive to love her husband and her daughter. Learning strategies did not give her control over the length or quality of her life.

Every week I drive 30 miles to visit my in-laws. My father-in-law, an intelligent creative man, has suffered with Alzheimer’s for almost 15 years. My mother-in-law, equally intelligent and creative is very well read and well versed on the subject. But when she walked him into the care facility that is to be his last home, hear on earth, there was not the kind of control that she longed for.

This man is a good professor and I know that I am taking this class for a reason. I trust that I will learn much useful information about learning strategies and how to embed them into my instruction. I hope I will learn ways to help my current undergrad students who are struggling, along with their professor, with the topic of tests and assessment. But, in my life there is a different truth about “control.”

God has brought me to a place in my life where having control is no longer desirable; it is terrifying. The more I learn the more I realize how little I know and how insignificant I am. I want to let go of control and fall into the strong arms of my faithful God. I do not stop grieving over the things in my life that I cannot control. But, I do not want to be in charge. To let go of control is to embrace the freedom of being His precious child.

Job did not try to take control of his suffering despite the unwise counsel of his friends. God’s counsel to Job did not explain the “why” of what had happened but simply reminded him of how powerful is our God. God’s control is enough.

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?

Tell Me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions?

Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone

while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

Job 38: 4-7

I'm too old for this

Today is grad student orientation. Today is the day I get my picture taken for my coveted Ncard ID. Today is the day I woke up with a huge zit on my nose.

I am too old for this.

Seriously, too old.

I got my picture taken for my ID. I don’t think anyone will notice the zit due to the “deer in the headlights” look on my face. As I sat in the orientation room the speaker asked us to look around at all the other graduate students. What I found was that I was the oldest person in the room by at least a decade. If you teach you know there is always one person in the class who constantly asks “what?” I’ll be the one asking “What? Can you repeat that honey? I can’t hear you when you mumble.”

I left orientation with a free laundry bag full of pamphlets and free stuff and more questions than answers. I have a key chain that opens beer bottles. I just need a beer to go with it. I got a book with coupons for tanning sessions, a skateboard, 10% off of piercing and tattoos and a free pregnancy test. I bet I’ll be the only grad student to use her Shopko coupon to pay for her osteoporosis meds. I am going to give the free laundry bag to my undergrad daughter since she brings her laundry home to do it for free anyway.

I stopped at many information booths. Things have changed since I was last in school. You now need a library liaison to help you find what you need. It looks like I will need to sign up for a tutorial to learn library technology. Do they have plain old books anymore? I never had a problem accessing a book. I never needed a password either.

I got a brochure from the health center and am impressed at all the services they offer. I wonder if I can make a trade on services. If I don’t need a pregnancy test can I get a free colonoscopy instead? I got a paper with a map of campus but, I can’t read it because my arms aren’t long enough. I will be the only student on campus who drinks diet coke to stay awake for night classes instead of to wake up for a morning class.

I am too old for this.

What did Sarah and Elizabeth think when they were told they would give birth at ages that were well past mine?

“I am too old for this. I am too old for morning sickness, labor, diapers, and nursing. God had many chances to ask me to do this when I was young. Why did He wait until now?”

God’s timing is always right. It may make no sense to us, but, it is always right. I don’t know why I am doing this at my age but God does. He has a plan for what I will be learning and a plan to help me get through it. I am not giving birth to a prophet but there will be a small piece of ministry for me. This is what God has put on my plate. I am too old for this, but He isn’t.

But I trust in you, O LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

My times are in Your hands.

Psalm 31: 14-15

Vantage Point or Validity?

I was sitting on our deck in the warm evening air reading the chapter on assessment validity from the textbook I am using to teach this class. For one brief, brief, moment I had a singular flash of understanding of the term construct validity (not to be confused with content validity.) One brief, brief, moment; kind of a senior moment.

As I read through the chapter I underlined everything that made sense.

I underlined two things:

1. The term scattergram. (Okay, I can’t actually explain this term but I remember it from my Dad’s statistics class because a picture of a scattergram looks like a graph a kindergarten class would make.)
2. The sentence: “Thus, teachers are left in a quandary about what to use from this chapter.”

An MRI of my brain would be a scattergram right now. Take another look at number 2. Even the author of this textbook admits teachers are confused about how to use this information. Try selling that to 18 undergraduate students who have to pass this class to get their teaching certificates. I’ll bet they’ll hold on to this textbook after the class is done.

I just can’t wait until I get to chapter 5 on reliability!

This past Sunday I had an exquisite “duh” moment. No, really, even better than the look on my face when I read the term “Pearson product-moment correlation coefficient” on page 89. I was standing out on the west lawn of the church in the warm morning sun with about 200 other members of Faith Evangelical Lutheran. We were being carefully lined up and waiting patiently while a member in a cherry-picker was taking a picture for the front of the new directory. Needless to say, it was taking a long time. The conversation was strange as we were lined up and no one was looking at anyone but the crowd broke out in laughter when I made the observation that “we ought to line up in the shape of a cross or something.” Apparently, we were already standing in the shape of a cross. I could hear the laughter travel to all for edges of the cross as the story spread. Let’s just say the picture will show everyone smiling.

I am an ant on the ground who thinks she needs to have the vantage point of the person in the cherry-picker bucket. I think I need to see the whole picture when God is content with me only knowing a small part of the ground on which I stand. I want to understand the whole book on assessment and God wants me to understand only a chapter, or a page, or a phrase at a time. We will get there, but we will do it on His terms not mine.

I want the big picture view of my life, too. When people ask me what I plan to do with my degree, I get nervous when I can’t give them an answer. I am pretty sure I will be paying off loans but other than that who knows? I want to know what classes I need to take and what my dissertation topic will be and what hoops I will have to jump through to get this finished and God wants me to focus on construct validity.

God has the plan for our lives. God sees the big picture. We are merely splinters of wood on the body of the cross that killed His Son. And He loves us no matter what.

I’m headed back to my assignment on construct validity. Tonight I will say a prayer that I will be content to be where I am and completing what God sets before me, one small piece at a time. I guess you could say God has blessed me with contentment validity.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways My ways,

declares the LORD.

Isaiah 55:8

Teach Me to Trust

We are eating celebratory brownies for supper tonight. (Celebratory brownies are just like normal brownies only they have sprinkles on top and are eaten to celebrate a significant event.) Joel passed Driver’s Education. He went to class, completed the driving sessions, and watched all the videos, passed the driving test and the written test. All that is left to do between now and next June is to practice driving. Oh, and learn to keep both hands on the steering wheel. Apparently, we are now to use the 8 and 4 positions instead of the 10 and 2 spots so as to prevent us from poking out an eye should our airbags deploy.


You learn something new every time you have a child go through Driver’s Education.


I was just thinking about how neat and complete Driver’s Education is. You sign up, pay up and show up and everything happens as it should. In two weeks you are a driver just waiting for your 16th birthday. I am going to be teaching a class, on-line, for a school many miles away. This class starts on Monday the 18th, about two weeks after I was asked to teach it, and about 10 days after I received the textbook in the mail. There is nothing nice and neat or even complete about this class. It is a subject matter with which I am not very familiar, but interestingly enough have very strong opinions about. Oh, and my opinions do not match those of the author of the textbook judging from all the excited red words I have put in the margins of the book as I am reading.


I agreed to take on this class because the person asking me really needed someone (anyone!) to teach it, and I know it will be a good review for me before I take a similar class for my program. Right now, though, my stress level is sky high and my trust level is . . . wait a minute . . .no, I can’t see my trust level from where I am standing. Okay, forget trying to rewrite the syllabus or get through the chapter on formative assessment, or write the quiz for the first three chapters. Forget trying to understand how I am supposed to evaluate student evaluations of tests to which I don’t have access. Forget trying to set up the grade book on the computer classroom or brainstorm discussion threads for the discussion board. Forget figuring out the assessment tool to write assessments for a class on assessments! I have other lesson planning to do. I need to have a teacher conference with MY teacher.


God, teach me to trust!


Perhaps this is His lesson plan:

Objective: student will be able to trust in Me for all things
Method: the hard way
Procedure:
1. Throw her into teaching a class that she knows she is not ready to teach.
2. Give her textbook and computer access at the last minute.
3. Allow problems with designing the class for which she cannot obtain earthly assistance.
4. Help her teach the class.
5. Help the students to learn in spite of her lack of preparation, expertise and shaky teaching practices.

Evaluation:

As her Heavenly Father I know everything about her faith but I will be looking for her to come to Me in prayer.

Time need to reach objective:

Her lifetime

Remediation and reteaching are indicated.


In my daily Bible reading I am in the book of Esther. Things looked impossibly bleak for the children of Israel in Xerxes’ kingdom, but God carried out His plan and His children were saved. Each time I read through the Old Testament I marvel at the lack of trust of those Israelites. They had so many huge miracles written in their history books and handed down from generation to generation, yet they so easily threw away their trust. But, I know that their story is my story, too.


God, teach me to trust!

May Your unfailing love rest upon us,
O LORD,
even has we put our hope in You.
Psalm 33:22